I am struggling with being a nice person today. Actually i've struggled with it for the past few weeks, i don't like to admit im stressed, but i think i just might be.

I've always liked exams, but not this year, i have Drama tomorrow, and have decided that it makes it more exciting if you have to blag it slightly, under pressure with a time limit. So i am looking forward to my challenge. Let me just revise Stanislavki and im ready to go.

I had a hair cut this morning, its not quite what i expected, but im now over the initial shock and am focusing on the good points

1) i have no split ends

2) i am back to my natural colour.

They're all the good points i can scrape together at the moment. I discovered that i became very attached to my hair, it was a bit of a security blanket, if my hair looked good then i didn't need to worry about my face. Now, i guess, i'll just have to worry more about my face.

Hair grows.

Ok Stanislavki, lets get back to 'the magic If'

x x x

I wanted to talk today about why i believe in God, its something that i've mentioned, but have never explained - And i see it as my most interesting quality, so hear goes...

(this is really difficult btw)

Christianity is about relationships, its not about conforming to rules or regulations, in fact the people who i look up to, are the ones who have broken the rules, who listen and have a solid relationship with Jesus.

When i was in year 9 & 10, i had warts all over my hands, and more than anything it really ruined my confidence and i hated God, i didn't understand why if he was good he would let his happen. It came to the end of year 10, and i was so fed up, i agreed to go to this christian festival called soul survivor http://www.soulsurvivor.com/uk/index.html and on the last night in the main meeting they said if you need prayer for illness stand up, it literally took everything i had, to over come my embarrassment and ask for healing. By standing up that day, i was trusting God that he would heal me. And he did, and i knew he did from the moment i stood up, the following weeks i saw my hands heal and return to normal, for the first time in like over 2 years.

Make of that what you will. What i want to say is that, Christianity is a personal thing, to have somebody who loves you and knows you completely is scary but amazing. Its a difficult challenge, it involves doing things you don't want to do, facing fears and taking risks, but its about trust in God.

Christians arn't a separate race, you probs didn't realize i was a christian when you first met me, and i like it that way.

My church is amazing, i love it http://www.antiochchurch.co.uk/ Sunday is the highlight of my week, i get tea, friends, music, jesus in one morning. Super!

anyway, hope that was a little insight, ask me questions if you wish, im not gunna pretend to know all the awnsers, but i'll do my best.

Love

x

1.The days are long and there dragging, i hate routine and im completely trapped in one, its been 2 days - 5hours of revision and 10 cups of tea, and i want out.

2."somebody come save me.

because

when i pause for a moment, i can see how you could ruin me"

June 2nd. Just 15 days. Just 15 days to solve problem one.

problem two is going to take years.

sigh.

Imagination

I wonder why we have it. I get taken so often from what i should be concentrating on, into something so visually stimulating, i sit there without blinking for minuets.

I find people interesting, and i like being in the company of people, thats how we were made - but sometimes i would rather sit with my self and my imagination, i need my space. This can be dangerous, it's a scary thought that maybe one day, i will enjoy being in my head more than with my friends.

Imagination, is developed from what we know. In my head the scenery is an image of my favorite earthly places, and the people have character trades which i value in my friends. The new stuff, which we haven't experienced, thats the stuff which God plants in us.

Imagination is a gift, i have heard so many people talk about "living in your head" and how this means your not making the most of your life. But Imagination and Reality, are very close worlds, and used correctly ..i don't know what would happen if they were used correctly, i don't even know if there is a way to use your head in the right way, or train your mind to only think certain things.

All i know is that i think sometimes people get scared of spending time with themselves, because they don't want to get to know themselves. It's idea of facing the problems with your character or issues with people around you which scare the hell out of you. And are just easier not to face.

After completion of my 1hr45min mock exam, i am worried my perfectly able right hand is just going to stop working right in the middle of the real exam. This is where i wish i could write with both hands, that way i could swap over half way through.

The Temper Trap.

We turned up to a gig, and left experiencing worship which was unearthly and cosmic. This is when life is at its best, when it chucks surprises right in your face, and doesn't let you absorb them.

The great hall in Cardiff Students Union holds 3000, the gig was sold out, and all 6000 eyes were crazed for this hypnotic man, moving dancing praising across the stage. I think it must of been 20mins in when Dougie (the lead guy - who btw once studied fashion and marketing) first opened his eyes.

Musically it was perfection, i wanted to vertically lie on the floor and absorb fully all that was being played. And what was being played was a cry, a calling for something more, it was pure worship done in a public place through mainstream music. Something which ive never experienced, but want to spend my life promoting and pursuing.

The last song, and dougie who had spent the time unaware that anyone was watching him, launched himself into the audience, he moved himself down to where me and warren were standing, and warren just prayed for him, and when it looked like doug was gunna leave, he stayed for a while longer.

Sweaty, hot and speechless we left, and decided we had to atleast try and meet the band and encourage them. So we waited, after a while i spotted a guy walk past me, it took me a few seconds to trigger, but it was the bassist. I couldn't leave him go, so just as he was about to shut the tour bus door, i go ..

"Excuse me.. Are you a christian?"

Confused and most probs scared, he re asked what i said, and he replied yes i am. This launched into a conversation between the three of us, and basically he said "I feel God's anointed our gigs" and "pray for Dougie, he needs it."

Amazing. Truly and unbelievable night. x

I am so Bored now im back from Bulgaria.

Bulgaria was amazing, me attempting to write about it won't do it any justice, so just imagine me sitting in front of you panting for air from crying so much, or leaping around with a big smile, and then translate that into words and you might just about get what it meant to me.

I feel useless now i'm back home, in some ways i feel like i've sunk back into my normal habits to quickly, and the amount of work and revision i need to do is just daunting.

Sitting on the floor of what was a spotless bedroom when i arrived home on wednesday, is now filled with clothes on the floor. Ah i hate being home.

This is what Bulgaria was to me..

Jesus

New Friends & Relationships

Music

Dance

Prayer

Discovery

Love

Joy

Happiness

Tears

Laughter X1000000000000

Football

Travelling

Walking

Playing

Journal

Moving Beds

Balconies

Sun

Lightning

Hedgehogs

The Biggest Daisy's Ive ever seen

The most Beautiful Trees ever

Cheese & meat for Breakfast

Peeing in a hole in the ground

Photos

Laughter Again

Angels

Healing

Crows

A Scream

Mentors

Denka

Bulgarian Church

Youth Club

Life

NEW LIFE!